After an exhausting day yesterday, I spent a little time on social media. A bit too long. One article led to another on where our country is heading. Together. There was a great growing of fear involved in this reading.
My oldest daughter asked me before she went to sleep what that noise was. I blamed it on the heater outside our window. Then at midnight my youngest daughter awoke beside me in full screaming. After a few minutes of unsuccessful attempts to soothe her, I went to the other bedroom to let my other two children get back to sleep. That is when the thumping began. After my wee one was back to sleep, I went to investigate which neighbor was doing wild activities at this wild hour. The thumps were coming from near my living room. I opened the curtains to find a wildly swinging bird feeder banging against the house in another before-a-winter-storm wind dance. I opened the door, cats went flying in the excitement, and couldn't get the blasted thing off its string. Towing out a chair to reach up higher, the second bird feeder that was standing still began to hum as if possessed. I found this unsettling to be out in the dark alone with such an unusual noise after reading too many articles. Finally both feeders were freed of their hooks, the noises seized, and everything was brought inside. On my way back to bed, the cats flew across the room as if thrown, all in their continued excitement. I again wondered why I was up in the middle of the night after such an exhausting day.
Instead of bed, I chose to spend a little time in our prayer room. I went to talk with my late sweetheart M. I told him I wish he were here. I wish his parents were here too. I wish we could talk about how our world is changing, the things shifting within our country, and how to plan for what is moving through our lives.
I find myself at the keyboard, my bare feet pushing library books around on the floor, cats on the table licking bird feeders and brushing past my ankles. In this moment, I feel alone in protecting my children. In this moment, I let fear run through me. I le myself acknowledge the fear of the changes moving in our direction, of the subtle yet vast movements that shift beneath the colorful world drama. In our country we are being tested, individually and collectively. We see history repeating itself in various and unsettling ways. It really doesn't matter who we voted for or where we think we stand. It matters that we see we are in this together. We all feel fear and unsettling winds. We are all awoken from our comfortable routines and expectations. We share the same air and water. We all want our children and grandchildren to live full, healthy, joyous lives.
Admitting to my fear is a big step. I am able to witness its flow through my body and mind. Now that I know where it lies, I can do something about it. I turn to see this from a different angle, a new and intentional perspective. I see we are all in this together. I see we are finding new ways to open our hearts and to connect with one another. I see we are all moving toward standing up together to make way for a future we all desire. Stable jobs, a clean planet, nourishing food on the table, a predictable income, healthy children, free will, an occasional vacation, and safety. Even if in my mind, envisioning the coming together of those who love this country and this world we get to share soothes my soul and gives me something to ease my fears as I return to holding my children through this long night. My trust in the buoyancy of humanity is my guiding light as I make my way back to that cozy bed. I am thankful for these midnight musings. I am thankful for the brilliant gift of getting to be alive on this planet at this extraordinary and challenging time. I am thankful for my children giving me more reason to take a stand and speak from my heart. I am thankful for getting to raise and protect such extraordinary children. I am thankful for this world we get to share and the freedom to get to talk about it all here with you.
Blessings and buoyancy,