autumn days

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Dreaming Bigger

I never intended to be the single mother of three young children.  Now that I am in this position, I wouldn't change anything (other than keeping my partner safe from cancer).  Now I get to choose how to shift my perspective in search of the silver lining.  As I rebalance and find ways to make our lives sustainable, I find great joy in creating the reality that feels good for my children and myself.

I talk often of dreaming big about the possibilities within our lives, and then dreaming far bigger than that.  I talk, yet I know I can definitely dream bigger. 

My partner died eight weeks ago.  I have been on my own with my children most of that time.  My children and I have just returned from the trip we created, planned, and packed for together.  In the olden days, the packing team was my partner and me.  Now it takes my two older children and myself to make it happen.  We are rebalancing, exploring the possibilities within our new normal.

Dreaming big.  As I flow through the layers of fresh grief, I find light in the possibilities.  I dream of blue glass light fixtures in my living room.  I dream of painting bedroom walls.  I dream of replacing some of my mother-in-law's golden red décor with blues and greens.  I dream of hosting weekly game nights and holiday parties and book clubs and dance sessions.  I dream of welcoming chickens, ducks, and bees into our family.  Dreaming bigger.  I dream of traveling the world with my children.  I dream of regular community service.  I dream of running a successful home business.  I dream of a fuel-efficient winter-capable vehicle.  I dream of a childcare swap that makes space for a weekly bath, balance with homeschooling, and grocery shopping alone.  I dream of my children sleeping without me at night.  I dream of having two hours alone each evening after my children have gone to bed.

I am thankful for dreaming and recreating my own reality.  I am thankful for intentionally finding the silver lining, for finding what is best for my children and me.  I've asked myself often, "What is best for my children?"  Today is the bath I heard the answer.  The best thing for my children is for me to find my own joy while protecting their spirits.  Imagine being raised by a mother who thrills at all the new things she gets to learn (Learning to fix the dishwasher can be awesome!) and experience and create and dream.  Dream a little dream.  And then dream bigger.  Join me.  Let's get on with living these lives we were meant to love.


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