autumn days

Friday, August 19, 2016

Scan Day

Today is the big scan day after six weeks of chemotherapy for my partner's lung cancer.  This whole health situation can be quite deep, dark, and devastating.  There is a very real possibility of not having much more time with the beloved father of my children.  Today's scan will determine if standard care will impact this particular cancer or if alternatives will be more fully explored.  We've feeling the depths of uncertainty lately.

What if we choose to believe in miracles, to delight in our time together, to find reasons to celebrate and laugh and dance?  That in itself is quite healing.  I can fill myself with delightful energy with a bit of effort, as I have this morning: a hot bath, meditation, singing, a touch of dancing, listening to my happy music (today's choice), and writing.  I count my blessings: children drawing at the kitchen table, music playing, cool air on a hot summer day, clean water, healthy food, loving friends reaching out, children's laughter.  I've filled up with so much light I get to share the extra with my family.  I ask this light to fill my partner and give him hope, to help him open to the wonderful possibilities that await, to believe in miracles, to find the light in the darkness, and to know he will get a more positive diagnosis.

I have no control over my partner's health, his choices, nor his feelings.  He has free will and his own preferences.  I get to be a beam of delight for my own benefit and know this brings some joy to my family.  I get to choose to find the joy in each moment, such as having the privilege to write while my baby sleeps off my body, such a rare gift.  Practicing mindful and intentional joy brings healing to my body, mind, and spirit.  It may even be contagious.  That's what I'm banking on.  Either way, I still win when I live in the moment and count my blessings.  Each moment is a gift.  Being a part of this resilient family is a gift.  Sharing my own presentness is a gift.  For these gifts I give the greatest of thanks.  Blessings!

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