A few days ago I explored my personal loneliness through journaling. I detailed the areas of my life that don't fulfill me. Exploring these areas felt devastatingly sad. Now that I can see areas of deficit, I get to choose to do something about them. I have opened up gently to my partner about my concerns and thoughts on our projects and processes. I have reached out to loving, safe women. I have found silver lining where before I could see only heartache.
Specifically, I was able to express to my partner my desire to live in a small, sustainable home crafted of green materials near a forest. We are moving toward living in a larger home on a small bit of land. Through gentle conversations, I intentionally shifted my perspective to see that this larger home does fit the current needs of my family and the desires of my partner and provides green space for me to grow more of our food. It brings me great joy to imagine someday living in a sustainable pod in the backyard under the trees while my adult children live within the big house. I choose to love this plan.
Since we've had children, I put up a wall in myself relating to my partner whenever he is around. I internally succumb to his plans and preferences and give up my power. Areas of my life where I feel pressure to please are: making homeschooling look like school and clean the house and begin dinner preparations before his arrival from work each day. After further dialogue and reflection, I now intend to shift my sight from blaming him for uncomfortable pressures and toward ways I choose to personally to care for my home and family. I see the dishes, laundry, dinners, and checks and balances within home education as a way to show my love for my family, to model joyous responsibility, and to take steps to create a joyous home environment. Now instead of wanting my partner to think the house was clean all day, I openly admit the house was a disaster and we have just cleaned it. I voice that I prefer to make our family dinners so my children consume meals from scratch that include enough vegetables. Once again opening communication in my marriage is a big part of this new perspective. Releasing myself from blaming others for my stress and accepting it as my own allows me to shift my view, my choices, and my story.
In identifying my social isolation as my schedule revolves around my children and we spend very little time with biological family, I've made an effort to reconnect and spend face-to-face time with friends. My children and I have hosted two informal gatherings to welcome our third child. My sister-in-law and I plan to get together for a tea date. I have set up dates with a few parenting friends. Time with like-minded friends allows me to openly discuss my feelings, processes, present adventures, and what matters to us both: our faith in humanity, our intentional parenting, and our direct healing of Mother Earth. I open myself to connecting with others and trust that my prayers will continue to be answered in abundance.
I am able to journal. When hormones and thirst wake me at 4:00 in the morning, I meditate for an hour in bed (looks just like sleeping), and then get up to write in my prayer room. This is a way for me to check in with myself and to allow space to focus on what is calling my attention. In this way, I am able to identify and release my own resistances and step more fully into this life I love living with my amazing family.
As for exercise, my yoga ball is a wonderful companion. My children love to play loud music that gets me to dance. Most of my day is spent on my feet, I love gardening, and intend to very soon embark on family walks. Today may just be that day to begin!
I move from a space of density into lightness. As I am once again able to sing, to find my personal song, I begin to create and express, to smile and laugh. For these answered prayers, I give such great thanks and share these awakened blessings with others. This life and these lessons are such gifts.