autumn days

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Within my Heart

Within my heart lay many things unspoken.  In my attempt to homeschool my two children, to be with them almost every hour of every day to remain calm and patient, I intentionally focus upon the positives in my life.

There are so many blessings in my life.  I live a life of luxury in a beautiful home with a beautiful car, a hard working husband, two healthy happy children, and the resources to educate them outside of public school.  When I'm with trusted friends or a trusted journal, I am then safe to open up about was has been quiet within myself.

There are some things of which I do not speak easily.  Sitting with five dear friends tonight for our book club, I mentioned trying to avoid a particular friendship.  Within this other relationship, I see the love we share, though I deeply know the distance and pain between us.  Thinking of time with this friend leaves me anxious and physically ill.  I wonder aloud of the ways I may shift this relationship so it feels safe and nourishing.

Friendship is such a beautiful gift.  Why would I want to end a long friendship?  At this time in my life, as I transition from taking two monthly classes within my loving community to zero, as my dear friend talks of moving out of the country, as we move into an altogether new homeschool circle, as we have new neighbors all around us, I search for heartfelt friends with whom to connect.  Making new friends is often difficult, especially as adults with multiple children and few social circles.

I held many white elephants in our book club conversation.  I am not quite ready to discuss the health and size of my family, the distance grown between us, nor my daily loneliness.  So much was left untouched.  Regardless, it was so nice to be among a group of trusted friends to share some of what I've been holding to myself.  Now as I sit here writing, I feel the words release their hold on my heart.

Before long, I will again have a dinner date with my husband, rekindling the connections we share.  And I will be able to share with loved ones those things left unspoken for so long.  From there, we will all feel an influx of relief and joy.  Sharing our hearts with others is a beautiful gift we give ourselves.  I look forward to unwrapping this gift with others.

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